Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Still here...

I'm still here, not the best at keeping up with these sort of things.
Not doing so hot.

I think the hardest part about the divorce now is waking up with the regret and guilt and having to fight it off daily.

I have no room for anything else and its eating me alive.
I just want a few days to sleep and wallow in it.
Sounds pathetic but man will it feel good.

I'll have a good day, few days, hours and usually by the end of the day I'm pretty zonked.
Yes it could be worse, yes it was a short marriage and divorce, yes there are bigger issue in the world but fuck it still sucks and doesn't make life any easier!

I don't have much to write at the moment because my head is swollen with thoughts, too many to write out. I'm alive, bout all I got right now.

Image result for have a good day ecard

Tuesday, July 12, 2016


Listening to Queen and feeling onto The Kooks. A girl I knew in high school used to listen to them, I'll give it a shot.

Anyways, this post is about bucket lists of sorts...

-visit abandon buildings and asylums
-learn guitar
-learn Spanish
-used polaroids as an art project

Also, I'm a loner. And I like it.
I have all of these wonderful things to do in my free time and I have no desire to do them with anyone. I want to read so many books, watch so many movies and shows...explore. People annoy me and I don't want to be around them in my free time.

This could be dangerous but as of now I'm totally content. Perfectly Lonely. Thank you John Mayer.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

No Control

I think one of the hardest parts so far about the divorce is now knowing what is being said about me from my ex spouse and others. I know I said and did some shady things but I own them and have forgiven myself.

I hope others can do the same and understand there are two sides to every story, even three. His, mine and the truth.

In the midst of turmoil true character shows and I'm not proud of mine but my intents were never to hurt anyone.

I have been living proudly and respectfully as of late and wish he could see that and be proud of me as well.

It kills me to know that the girl a few months back when this all started is the last and probably only he will remember and that is what I will be known for with him forever.

I'm better than that.
I loved/love him still.

Breaks my heart.

Friday, July 1, 2016

This American Life

...Is a fantastic podcast I listen to. On this week's episode the topic is choosing wrong.

The first gentlemen on the show is discussing marriage and it really stood out to me so I'm going to write down some of the thoughts he shares...

"Be incredibly forgiving for the weird behavior that's going to start coming out. You will be very unhappy lots of ways.

Your partner will fail to understand you. If you're understood you may be 60% of your soul by your partner, that's fantastic. Don't expect that it's going to be 100%.

Of course you will be lonely, you will often be in despair. You will sometimes think its the worst decision in your life, that's fine, that's not a sign your marriage has gone wrong. It's a sign that it's normal, it's on track.

And many of the hopes that took you into the marriage will have to die in order for the marriage to continue.  That some of the heaviness and expectation will have to die. It's very dark but in love darkness is a real friend of relationships because so many of the problems of love come from unwarranted optimism so we need to be dark..."

I know I was only married a short time but I still feel like I have learned so much about marriage. I love the idea of it and the above readings seem true but if that's the case than why the fuck would anyone WANT to get married, I mean what's the point other than loneliness? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Playgrounds and Food Trucks

This was my evening.
Food trucks in the park with Matthew, Emily, Shively and Jonah.
Hearing them say aunt Hannah...warms my heart.
Enough with the petty bad blood, we are moving forward and 
I'm looking forward to the future with family.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

God damn money. It will end up making you blue as hell.

Reading Catcher in the Rye for my first time. I really dig it. Been reading a lot lately. So many books I haven't read and some I never will. A good book or movie gives me such happy feelings. An escape.

On another note, my thoughts today have been a bit melancholy but had a better day than usual. Decided to cut back on alcohol during the week. Helps me to become more productive and centered in my mind. I'm thinking about biking into work tomorrow since I don't have to close at Silver. Nothing like a little exercise to start your day and get those happy feelings pumping.

Thoughts contemplated while smoking my cigarette are as follows: Stop living in regret. Stop living in the past.

I get so caught up in the what ifs and if onlys that I depress myself. I'm here now, I've made my bed and must lay in it. Why am I so depressed with my life? I let the success and choices of others affect me so strongly and it's got to stop or I will never be happy. I want to be happy for others and appreciate others without taking a stab at myself. Hard to do.


Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Out Of Sorts

I'm so out of sorts. Have been for quite sometime. I want to to take this hardship (divorce) and make into a learning experience. This journey of Hannah. So cliche, I don't know who I am. I don't know what I believe and I don't know what to think about anything really. I feel that I lack substance, sincerity and maturity.

I want to be a strong, independent (not in the bitchy and broken sense), and open to find love again one day. But I don't want my peace of mind to be that someday I will. I want to be content knowing it may never happen but that isn't what my life and worth is about. I have so many thoughts, hard to keep centered and focus but I think writing it all out will help. Almost a self talk, meditation. That's what I want these writings to be.

What I have learned so far: Quality people and friendships are hard to come by but are a magical thing.

Second: Hannah time is important. Meditation, centering.

I want the learning to continue. I want adventure, self discovery and true happiness and peace with myself and who I am. It's exhausting. my money habits are childish, I don't have a career, my first shot at marriage failed, my family has grown apart, I've lost friends...I mean fuck, it's hard to even get out of bed let alone make time to have a social life. I don't know who I am so how am I suppose to act/feel and trust my judgment for who to spend my time with and how to interact?

I feel like such a freaking weirdo, My highs are almost too high (poor judgment) and my lows are fucking low. I just want peace and balance. I struggle to stick to most things in my life...relationships, money habits, exercise...I lack discipline. I want to live in the moment and fly by the seat of my pants at times but I also want to get back into shape, pamper myself with beauty and sleep, catch up on my reading and get to fucking know myself so that I can be open to a romantic relationship (if ever again) in the future.

 On that note, I want to fuck badly. I want my body against someone else's. I want to be touched,my hair brushed out of my face, my ass grabbed and my neck kissed. I want to be desired and treasured passionately by someone. I know it's too soon and no one can blame me for being uncertain and leary but the few times I have messed around with a guy after my husband I felt dirty. It felt cheap, gross and second rate. I deserve better than that. I haven't done anything wrong. Why am I so hard on myself? I have such a guilt complex.

I am open to my friends advice but I also want to get through this time on my own. To have the strength in myself to get through this and come out more beautiful and at peace on the other side.
If I don't take this time to invest in myself I will just end up cracking and loosing it again in the future.

I always loose myself in a relationship. I just want to be loved with the love that I love. My problem is, I fall in love with everyone I meet. In some way, shape or form. A song, a movie, a book, a quote, a picture, a smile, eye contact, any sort of interaction with a stranger my mind runs away to the what if. Not in the desperate sense but in the we are all so fucked up and beautiful and unique stuck on this blob in the universe figuring out what the fuck is even anything.

I'm going to bed. I'll be back. Peace and love.