Wednesday, June 29, 2016

God damn money. It will end up making you blue as hell.

Reading Catcher in the Rye for my first time. I really dig it. Been reading a lot lately. So many books I haven't read and some I never will. A good book or movie gives me such happy feelings. An escape.


On another note, my thoughts today have been a bit melancholy but had a better day than usual. Decided to cut back on alcohol during the week. Helps me to become more productive and centered in my mind. I'm thinking about biking into work tomorrow since I don't have to close at Silver. Nothing like a little exercise to start your day and get those happy feelings pumping.


Thoughts contemplated while smoking my cigarette are as follows: Stop living in regret. Stop living in the past.


I get so caught up in the what ifs and if onlys that I depress myself. I'm here now, I've made my bed and must lay in it. Why am I so depressed with my life? I let the success and choices of others affect me so strongly and it's got to stop or I will never be happy. I want to be happy for others and appreciate others without taking a stab at myself. Hard to do.


Toodles.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Out Of Sorts

I'm so out of sorts. Have been for quite sometime. I want to to take this hardship (divorce) and make into a learning experience. This journey of Hannah. So cliche, I don't know who I am. I don't know what I believe and I don't know what to think about anything really. I feel that I lack substance, sincerity and maturity.

I want to be a strong, independent (not in the bitchy and broken sense), and open to find love again one day. But I don't want my peace of mind to be that someday I will. I want to be content knowing it may never happen but that isn't what my life and worth is about. I have so many thoughts, hard to keep centered and focus but I think writing it all out will help. Almost a self talk, meditation. That's what I want these writings to be.

What I have learned so far: Quality people and friendships are hard to come by but are a magical thing.

Second: Hannah time is important. Meditation, centering.

I want the learning to continue. I want adventure, self discovery and true happiness and peace with myself and who I am. It's exhausting. my money habits are childish, I don't have a career, my first shot at marriage failed, my family has grown apart, I've lost friends...I mean fuck, it's hard to even get out of bed let alone make time to have a social life. I don't know who I am so how am I suppose to act/feel and trust my judgment for who to spend my time with and how to interact?

I feel like such a freaking weirdo, My highs are almost too high (poor judgment) and my lows are fucking low. I just want peace and balance. I struggle to stick to most things in my life...relationships, money habits, exercise...I lack discipline. I want to live in the moment and fly by the seat of my pants at times but I also want to get back into shape, pamper myself with beauty and sleep, catch up on my reading and get to fucking know myself so that I can be open to a romantic relationship (if ever again) in the future.

 On that note, I want to fuck badly. I want my body against someone else's. I want to be touched,my hair brushed out of my face, my ass grabbed and my neck kissed. I want to be desired and treasured passionately by someone. I know it's too soon and no one can blame me for being uncertain and leary but the few times I have messed around with a guy after my husband I felt dirty. It felt cheap, gross and second rate. I deserve better than that. I haven't done anything wrong. Why am I so hard on myself? I have such a guilt complex.

I am open to my friends advice but I also want to get through this time on my own. To have the strength in myself to get through this and come out more beautiful and at peace on the other side.
If I don't take this time to invest in myself I will just end up cracking and loosing it again in the future.

I always loose myself in a relationship. I just want to be loved with the love that I love. My problem is, I fall in love with everyone I meet. In some way, shape or form. A song, a movie, a book, a quote, a picture, a smile, eye contact, any sort of interaction with a stranger my mind runs away to the what if. Not in the desperate sense but in the we are all so fucked up and beautiful and unique stuck on this blob in the universe figuring out what the fuck is even anything.

I'm going to bed. I'll be back. Peace and love.