Miss Martz

Yep

I hate titles to blogs btw so going with yep.

Went to Germany a few weeks ago. So much has happened since then. Talk to my mom about how being 34 I figured I would have figured out how to grow and deal and process life better by now...apparently no, Just need to type random shit I can process later.

Go to a bar...the stuff songs and things to make you cool and show your valid...I'm tired. I know the stuff and I know I'm a down ass bitch....see it then in my 20's nah. I was busy taking care of others...didn't see that. You're drunk mean and whatever but I tried to be soft, fit and smell good and have breakfast rubbing on your face hair and giving you peace to wake up to but whatever. I drive my drunk ass home, safe, no but I'm not a girl for you to worry about to take care of, of got myself. Got a house, job, yard work to mend, cat, I make meals, clean bedding and even when I'm tired I'll suck your dick til you come cause why not? Has a man ever taking the time to get me off...fuuuuuck no. o wait but when they do...got time for a ceremony and medal to give? It's time and work but I'm tired from owning a house, work being chaos, gym, food prep, cat, looking well to standards so let me also make sure to be the girl to fulfill your fantasy of sexy and being ENOUGH. blah blah fucking blah....

Literally I spend one night telling God I 'm sorry to be shit for wanting to die sometimes and just not wake up...sleep, wake up...thank you God for waking me up. I'm in some shit man. NOTHING to be this for. my life is fucking cake but I just wake up and feel sadness. what is that.

Don't eat that. work out harder. So I want to just age cause that's normal and beautiful but no you can't cause insuecure woman, you're awesome for being natural and letting age take its chorus but out and DAMN "see that smoke show over there" (22, genetics from God, hormones, money to get work done) sorry but sure, I maintain a home on my own, work out 5 times a week but also try to be the cool bitch you want to have beers and alcohol now and then but never wake up with woman stuff bloating or weird hormones aging from an IUD at 34 because social media and such has just shown the woman with the genetics and time to spend their life being PERFECT for a MAN'S standard of PERFECT so we are all fucked. I want to age normally...I eat well but enjoy stuff, work out, use the products but not goin to change my appearance and get injections and fake shit which GUYS no way you ACTUALLY think ANY woman in Hollywood is natural and even the woman you see NATURAL that isn't the same for others with their genetic history and hormones (which should be CELEBRATED btw) don't fit YOUR standards of beauty, want to get injections and bullshit so the woman that want to age normally and gracefully (blessing by the way to age) have to feel like shit cause you are struggling with aging and your insecurity...its cycle of toxicity and all about MEN. you wouldn't give two shits about aging if it wasn't for MEN and their view of beauty.

STOP.

Boy I LOVE men and boys but stop letting them define it. Not saying be a piece of shit don't take care of yourself, eat garbage, never work out or be active in life...that I can argue with...your life okay but don't expect validation when you aren't even tryin to take care of your temple...health is health, can't make your own rules about that...go for it but argue with your organs and heart and talk to me....try...not saying be a certain size and blah blah but you have to try to be healthy, that's beauty to me....and all that but in general the things I have learned....again random literally drunk writing....things I have learned at 34 that I told the 19 year old I'm fucking sometimes...

1. People (men) don't change.

2. Give others grace to be human and their growth and journey in life.

3. Only consistency with men is disappointment.

Told this 19 year old. he dug his head in my lap when I said that and we got deep blah blah blah and said he would buy me flowers and take me to dinner....fuck right now...aint happening. Not disagreeing that that is a FACT. Men are just a toxic existence I think but at the same time I ADORE them but why do they get to define things and be the being of power and blah blah cause I think men are the WEAKEST in humanity and I'm not a feminist man hating jerk I just REALLY believe the and have seen it in my experience. AGAIN other than my father, men are just...weak, whiny, hateful, gross babies, especially when they don't get their way. God they act like it' s SO hard to just do the BASIC dating shit and call us princesses....go fuck yaself. REAL men treasure, respect and date woman.....

hurts and whatever, that's your shit. people do what they want. let it happen. real love is letting them be a disappointing piece of shit to YOUR standards and still loving them I guess haha.

I have spent literally my entire like pleasing someone and it has gotten me NO WHERE.

parents, brothers, employer, men, friends....just fuck everyone haha. I love my family and will bend over backward no matter how many times you let me down and my parents never will and never have. brother, yes watched a show and he said to his sister you are beautiful as always...haha I laughed out loud cause my brother has NEVER said that to me. I don't think brothers understand how important they are.

As I type I feel like a dick for my feelings and that right there...guys NEVER feel remorse for anythingg they do lol....people that have hurt me haven't though two shits about it so WHY do I.

He has his shit. cool bro. your wife, kids, whatever...way after me and you chose that. But you also chose to not think of me and be a good bro...always about woman and being that guy. Other than my dad no man has really just been like that's my bitch...IF I don't end up sucking their dick...they don't give two fucks....and god dammnit I'm crying as I type this...I'm legit. I'm good. I work hard, love others, take care of others, know stuff , work out, cook, clean, get my ass out of bed to look nice and rock my job all on my fucking own without anyone taking care of me or saying good job honey, here's your coffee, rubbing my back in the morning and have a great day at work, go fuck yourself men, I'm on my own and when men have stayed after keeping me up fucking cause HEAVEN FORBID they don't get off, I do it for them even though I'm FUCKING TIRED TO AND WOULD LOVE TO JUST WAKE UP TO COFFEE, FLOWER, YOU'RE PRETTY, A BACK RUB AND HAVE A GREAT DAY BABE but yea and whatever...

So I try to go into the hole of not worrying about others and what they think and I STILL get shit I'm just in an ongoing bubble of never making anyone happy and it crushes me. I just want everyone in my life to know I love them and all their journey stuff and biggest fan but I just want to check out sometimes.... cause some how I fall into a cliche of crunch girl with issues and I am SO MUCH deeper than that but no one hears or listens and I should care so I just mind my business and the cycle goes....

Everything is recycled. Nothing I haven't heard, said, done or been said heard or done...sexis ruined, always about pleasing the man, looking hot....no true love or connection...they all leave for shallow dumb shit. I'm just so sad and exhausted and no word Is type give validation to what I feel. SoI hide. WAY easier. I want to travel. that's my time for me....anything else...I'm just pretty, hot ahh yea yea yea. But I'm also intelligent, learning, dedicated, fuck you sideways and be faithful, make you breakfast and coffee in the morning, make sure I smell good, make you lunches even after you scream at me before bed when you're black out drunk ....fuck as I type, guess I have issues from my ex I'm not sure how to deal with....I have just done all the things and NEVER had anyone, especially man do ANY selfless act for me.

I literally remember my ex that I gave my hear to screaming black out at me and passing out but I would leave aspirin by the bed and then prep coffee, snacks and a love note for him to wake up to cause I wanted him to succeed the next day...I have NEVER had that and now when I have any moment I'm THAT bitch with issues or Drunk and BLAH BLAH BLAH...always a man reason of dumb shit,.. but here I am on a Friday home alone in bed with a home I own, took care of my cad, clean laundry, dishes, groceries, self and good job and whatever the fuck ever that a MAN wants to define as a successful good human...I love men but DAMN I hate them sometimes.

I'm exhausted and tired, Even, this post (that no one will read) will get some response from a man of wow who hurt hurt or something on ME instead of reflecting on the fact that maybe we need to revaluate some shit...I'm just venting. Sorry I'm not perfect for one sec, maybe I should go be a piece of shit and go home with a guy at the bar instead of leaving and wanting to wake up and go to the gym and taking care of myself but make it easier for you to label me cause you can do that but WOW heaven forbid a woman act like a man, gross.

Lord know we can fuck WAY easier and better than ya'll can. But we have to ride, suck swallow no matter how long it takes but not for us. I work too and have my shit to take care of so get me off and move on...I ain't a stay at home bullshit which isn't AT ALL bullship, full time job bro living with YOUR standards, a kid, our bodies and hormones, cooking, cleaning, but go live your best life and I'll just....okay this is a post for another time.

"Who hurt her?" all any man would get from this post which is VERY sad. Goodnight.