Breakups

 No matter how old, how long you were together...they suck. After the divorce I definitely think a piece of me that felt that pain just doesn't exist anymore. Not sure if that is good or bad. I found a really nice man in the passed year. I wanted it to work, he fell madly in love. I tried SO hard but just couldn't get my soul to connect to his. 

I know I personally showed growth and persistence to myself with the arguments and difficult times. I didn't feel like I gave it my all and stuck around for my marriage so I have been blinded by the toxicity of my current relationship just so that I don't quit again.'

He is good man. King, gentle...I know he loved me and I loved him the only way I knew how but it takes more then love to keep people together. Why do I have this guilt? We were dating, I gave it my all but it didn't work. Simple as that. I was trying so hard because I knew it would crush him to end it and my parents like him and we had been together a little over a year so it's hard to walk away from something like that but at the end of the day I just wasn't happy.

We had our talks and arguments and conversations about how we would handle things next time but it didn't ever happen that way and we both were getting resentful and hateful and the last fight I just had it. It was so easy to walk away because I remember the pain I felt all those nights when he would be drunk and do something stupid and how the next day he just thought an apology would fix it. There was not track record of change, always something dramatic and big talk right after a fight or almost breaking up but nothing ever stuck.

We are just different people on different paths in live. I want him to find love and happiness and this acceptance he is so desperately in need of. Although a weight has been lifted I still feel sad, tired and heavy with the guilt and sadness that I know he is miserable right now.

I want to get myself back up and enjoy my life, get back on track, stay single and focused but I'm just sad right now and in the funk of it. Tomorrow is my birthday but I don't feel like celebrating. I just need to get my head straight and be strong and trust myself, I know I made the right decision. The big words and promises just won't work anymore. Be careful to guard your heart when you are dating. I felt guilty that I wasn't where he was at. He just fell and gave me his heart and I didn't ask for it.

I want to love, be kind, do my best in everything, listen, learn, see beauty and be a good friend. Now I have all of this time and future open for a trip to travel or do something but I am sad, I did love him and it won't be easy to just move on and act like it didn't happen. We had many great times together and I just don't want to hurt him anymore. I feel like moving on and being happy will hurt him. I'm just stuck right now. Emotional, tired, feeling like crap...I have my best friend in town, two days off, my favorite season is upon us, I have good books to read, I love my job, back in the gym, wonderful family, paying debt...but I just want to crawl in bed and have a few months go by.

I know I am going to have to see him again and dig this all up because we are neighbors and I know he will try to...just wish it could be done, he could be okay and see that we have a whole life ahead of us.

AND the whole time I am going through this I have a damn bladder infection so can't drink lol. Well, shouldn't.

So cheers to new beginnings, closed doors, sadness that helps us grow...thank you John for all of the good times and love. It is better to have loved then lost than never to have loved at all.